From an outsider’s perspective, Leah was living the dream. She had a loving husband, three
beautiful children, supportive friends, and a successful career. Leah was loved and cherished by
everyone; everyone but herself. Leah lacked inner peace. Any deviation from her expectations
was considered a catastrophic failure. If her toddler was encountering a difficult day, she
rationalized that if she had been a better mother, this meltdown would not have happened. If her
husband did not finish his dinner, this meant she was a horrible cook. Guidance from her boss or
co-workers resulted in intense feelings of deficiency. Leah’s feelings of self-worth depended
solely on how others conducted themselves around her.
The people close to Leah recognized her self-perception and did their utmost to boost her self-
esteem; reassuring her that all her endeavors were meaningful. Their genuine intentions were
helpful and appreciated; nonetheless, this was more of band-aid solution. Leah’s wounds were
very deep and required more intensive work. Delving into her past, it was learned that she had
been raised by a mother who had an alcohol addiction and spent many months in rehab. Her
father took care of her physical needs; however, when it came to her emotional needs, he shut
down. He didn’t have the ability to recognize and to deal with this aspect of her upbringing. The
consequences of suffering from emotional deprivation as a child, became readily apparent when
Leah was an adult.
According to Leah, therapy was considered a waste of time. But when matters worsened
considerably, she booked an appointment with a therapist. After two sessions, realizing the
futility of this approach, she terminated services. “What’s the point of focusing on all my
negative features?” she once questioned. “How can they really help? They will just ask me ‘how
does it make me feel?’; but that doesn’t help me.” As her feelings had been suppressed while she
was growing up, she was now unable to identify and express them appropriately. Having been
denied a proper childhood, she fervently desired to move forward and experience true beauty in
her life. Unfortunately, her past did not allow for this.
Roi Kiessling, founder of EMDR Consulting (Eye Movement Desensitization Re-Processing), an
evidence-based therapy that treats PTSD, provides a comparison of human trauma to home-
make-over. He states that some homes simply require touch ups; perhaps a nice modern kitchen
and trendy light fixtures. Other homes however, need much deeper and invasive work; the
circuits, electric plumbing, and infrastructure. Regarding human trauma, many of us have
encountered experiences that can hinder our growth. Some require mild interventions; others
need processing and the acquisition of skills to re-program thoughts and feelings.
Peter Levine, a psychotherapist and creator of Somatic Experiencing, studied the difference
between animals and humans with respect to trauma. He noticed that animals who were chased
by predators, had a natural ability to shake off these encounters and then were able to go about
their day. By contrast, a traumatic event in humans, becomes lodged within, requiring effective
intervention. Humans face chronic stressors; if unable to release the energy, they remain fixed in
the hyperarousal state.
MRI studies were done with patients experiencing PTSD. When asked to recall a specific
traumatic event it was found that the right side of the brain was activated. Emotions, imagination,
and awareness take place in the right side of the brain. In Leah’s case, having experienced
emotional neglect, her friends were unable to help her as they were taking a logical cognitive
approach which is associated with the left part of the brain.
After plummeting to an almost breaking point, Leah sought the help of a reputable trauma
therapist. She allowed herself to feel vulnerable and to connect to the warm nurturing health care
worker. Regardless of the interventions incorporated in the session, the therapeutic alliance is a
crucial component in the healing process. Leah targeted her deeply rooted Negative Core Beliefs
of “I’m powerless, I’m defective, I’m damaged.” Small measurable changes were noticed based
on the frequency, intensity, and duration of certain triggers. Leah was on the road to healing; a
difficult yet rewarding journey. Although Leah still encounters trying challenges, she has been
able to shift from her Negative Core Beliefs to Adaptive Core Beliefs. Leah’s experiences as a
child can never be changed; the emphasis is on helping her grieve it, process it, and radically
accept that this is part of who she is.
Upon recognizing what we have encountered in our earlier years and our present state of mind, it
is vital to seek the proper professional help as soon as possible. The healing process can be
addressed with specific therapy and family support. Music, dance, writing, and helping others
are beneficial in addition to therapy. Our deeply rooted wounds are unlikely to go away if
neglected. If they are effectively addressed, this will optimize our goal in living genuinely happy
and tranquil lives. We owe this to our family, to our friends, to our community, to the people we
work and learn with, and to ourselves.